


Looking Skyward

by headfirstfrhalos



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Astronauts, Disasters, Established Relationship, Long-Distance Relationship, Lots of Angst, M/M, Melodrama, Space Stations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-08 16:05:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11650020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/headfirstfrhalos/pseuds/headfirstfrhalos
Summary: Josh would be up in space for six months. Tyler was going to miss him, but he wasn't upset. He knew what was coming. It came with the territory of being in love with an astronaut.





	Looking Skyward

It was a little after two in the morning when Tyler whispered, "I'm gonna miss you."

Josh should be asleep right now. He was bound for a flight to Kazakhstan early the next morning, and had another week of final preparations before being chucked into orbit to represent the USA on the International Space Station for six long months. He needed to be at the top of his game, and sleep deprivation wouldn't help him at all. But this was just as important.

"Me too," he said.

The lights were on and they lay in bed together, faces barely six inches apart as they stared at each other. Josh was going to miss this. Emails and video chatting just wasn't the same as seeing Tyler face-to-face. They didn't capture the faint warmth that radiated from his skin, or the softness of his hair or the faint puffs of air sighing from his nose as he breathed.

Josh couldn't feel too bad for him, though. This sort of thing came with being in love with an astronaut. Tyler knew exactly what he was getting himself into when he first met him.

* * *

Tyler had a front row seat to see the liftoff. He was exhausted from the flight to Kazakhstan, but he knew Josh must be much worse off. There wasn't much he could actually see from here, being so far off and what with all the scaffolding and the enormous rockets getting in the way, but he could see three orange-clad figures boarding the _Soyuz_ , and he could recognize the gait of the one in the middle. He didn't wave or call out to him beceuse he knew he couldn't hear, but a swell of pride and sadness welled up in his chest as he watched Josh disappear inside the ship. There was a woman to his right, older than him, blotting at her eyes with a tissue. He spotted a glint of gold on her ring finger and realized that she must know someone there, too. They made eye contact, and Tyler gave her a small smile and a nod.  _I know exactly how it feels._

The countdown began, and the roaring and the glare and the stink of rocket fuel burning filled his senses as a white cloud of exhaust began to shoot out, enveloping the shuttle and obscuring everything. The roaring got even louder and the ground shook as the rocket began to lift into the air, sailing up into the blue sky, leaving nothing but a ringing in his ears and a white trail of smoke.

Just like that, Josh was gone.

* * *

The blue of Earth's atmosphere gave way to a pure, inky black. He could see Earth beneath him, and he was suddenly very glad that the ride up had been a bumpy one. He was shaking. He was really in _space_. He tried to steady his breathing and his hands, but then he realized that the tremors weren't from anxiety-- it was excitement.

The call came to unbuckle themselves, and Josh gladly obliged. Freed from the seatbelt, he drifted up.

Being in zero gravity came as a shock, even after all the training and underwater simulations. There was just nothing like it, the way he could crawl on the walls and ceiling and do flips with a giddy ease.

He watched as Black guided the shuttle into the loading dock. She had steady hands. Josh smiled to himself at the thought of trying to fly the shuttle with his nervous self. No thank you.

 

They attached to the enormous station, and they awaited at the door for the airlock to open.

* * *

Tyler stared at his computer. A white, empty page blinked in front of him. Josh's email, his professional one, not the one he used at home, was proudly displayed his recipient. This was only his second night away, and he was probably too busy to check his emails, but Tyler wanted to say something to him. The problem was, he had nothing to say, nothing he hadn't already told him before he went up. He had mingled with the other attendees and had his hand shaken by the director and then he flew home, looking around at the rooms that had suddenly become too large before plopping down on the couch and falling asleep for eighteen hours. Now he was awake and didn't know what to do with himself. 

He wrote, and wrote, and rewrote as the sun set and the moon rose. He just couldn't get it right, and eventually, after too many hours and too few words, he gave up. It wasn't a very good letter, but it would have to do. It was late again, and he really needed to sleep. He hit 'send' before he could agonize over it any more and shut the lid, stretching his back and standing up, listening to his joints crack.

He looked out the window. Columbus was too bright to be able to see many stars, but he knew that if he drove out of the city, he would see millions of stars and the bright smudge of the Milky Way arching above his head. Now Josh was up there with them.

Tyler sighed. It was going to be a long six months. 

* * *

Josh felt really bad about not looking at Tyler's messages until the first week ended. There was just so much to explore. The station was enormous, and the other astronauts from Russia were welcoming and told him stories about the previous Americans who had left a few weeks ago in English. Josh and the others gave them their own stories in Russian.

The labs were gorgeous, too, and he had an entire section just to himself. There were a dozen little white rats in cages, cute little things that sniffed at him curiously as he set up their habitats. He had been sent up to study growth and development in zero gravity, and the rats were hardy enough that they could be taken up to space for Josh to work with. He'd stay in there all day, just to watch the rats sniff around in their cages, which were far too small in his opinion. He had spent all of Wednesday planning to improvise some larger enclosures out of the redundant plastic bins lying around from previous missions. Biology involved a lot of waiting, and the rats' gestational period was nearly three weeks. He had plenty of time to make more room for them and their babies. 

He finally had the time to look over his messages on Sunday evening during dinner. He held his meal pouch between his teeth and occasionally slurped as he looked over his laptop to check his messages. He read and replied the messages from his family. There were a few emails and one image from Tyler, and he saved those for last.

 

**Sent on 7/31/17 at 11:23 AM**

_Hi Josh. How's space? You're probably reading this a few days late since it's always busy at first, but I just want to know if you're feeling alright. How are the others? Do you play well with them?_

_It's so quiet without you around. I'm actually considering moving back in with my family while you're up there, just because it's so empty in here without you. I know two days is too early to get lonely, but I am. My parents keep asking about you, by the way. Jay wants your autograph when you come back. Apparently he has a portrait of you in his room, the official one from NASA. He framed it._

_Anyways, I just want you to know that I'm proud of you. I know how hard you worked to get where you are. If you asked to stay up there forever, I'd probably let you. Not that you should. Zero gravity messes with your bones after a while._

_Love you, dude. Have fun being a mad scientist in space._

  
**Sent on 8/3/17 at 7:02 PM**

_Hey Josh. Having fun up there? You said you were doing stuff w rats before you left. Hopefully nothing too scary. That one squirrel that keeps eating the fruit from the plum tree in our yard is back. I think it knows you're not there to chase it off anymore._

_Have you been keeping up with your exercise? I don't want you to come back looking like a noodle after getting stretched out from being in space for so long. You'll finally be taller than me, and I can't have that._

_This letter's kinda short since there really isn't much to say, but yeah. Miss you._

**[image attached]**

 

There was a picture of the squirrel in the tree, Tyler pointing an accusing finger at it as it crouched amongst the branches with a small, round plum between its juice-stained paws. Josh snorted, scooting the computer over to Jenna ('Airforce Pilot Black' just didn't have the same ring as Jenna), who smirked as she ate a freeze-dried banana chip. She offered the bag to him, and he shook his head.

"No thanks. I hate bananas, fresh or dry."

"Alright," she said, crunching. "More for me." 

A tiny crumb was launched from between her lips and flew out towards the opposite wall. Nice.

Josh started working on a response.

* * *

Josh finally, finally answered after a week. He had been in the middle of having lunch with his mom when he got the notification on his phone. He couldn't hide his exitement, he really couldn't, and his knees hit the underside of the table as he jumped at the sight of the email. That got them a few stares from the other restaurant-goers, but Tyler didn't care. Josh had responded!

"What's there?" his mother asked.

"It's Josh," Tyler said, beaming. "He sent a reply."

He opened the email and started to read.

 

**Sent on 8/4/17 12:35 PM**

_Hi Tyler! Sorry for not reading your messages sooner. I've been doing great. It's wonderful up here, and the view is beautiful. I've been busy setting the lab up and getting to know everyone else. Not the crew, I know them pretty well, but the other guys from Russia who were here before us. There's Mikhail, Anfisa, and Diana, they're all really nice. Anfisa also does biology, so we work in the same space, but she does plants and insects, not mammals. She's scared of rats but I'm scared of crickets so neither of us can play any pranks on each other because we know what would come if we did._

_It would be good for you to stay with your family for a while if you feel like it. And I will sign Jay's photo. Not sure why he wants me to, though. Mark's the famous one._

_Give the squirrel some granola or something, hopefully it'll stop eating the plums._

_And yes, I have been doing my exercise, I gotta stay fit to fight off alien invaders. That's the real reason why I've been called up to space, for secret missions. If you see any strange lights in the sky, that's us fighting them off to keep them from destroying the planet. You're welcome._

_I do hope you're doing well. Maybe we can video chat soon? I'm not sure when I'll have the time, but I do want to see your face. Best wishes._

 

Tyler read the email several more times, grinning until his cheeks ached.

"What did he say?" his mother asked, curious. 

"He's just telling me what it's like up there. He wasn't able to reply for a while because he was so busy."

"How many messages did you send him before he responded?" 

"Um, a lot."

She laughed, and Tyler flushed. "Here, you can see it." 

* * *

Tyler sent him a playlist a few weeks later, little more than a series of links and a short note.

 

**Sent on 8/25/17 at 4:12 PM**

_Bad Things Happening To Astronauts_

_[1\. The Commander Thinks Aloud- The Long Winters](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdtIjnpeolE) _

_[2\. Space Oddity- David Bowie](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_M3uw29U1U) _

_[3\. Asthenia- Blink-182](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKZbs6auhhA) _

_[4\. One More Astronaut- I Mother Earth](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PkmMezMiMo) _

[ _5\. Silent Key- Frank Turner_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncp2vR-KmZY)

[ _ 6\. Big Freeze- Muse _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTzRv6YUYyA)

[ _7\. Another Space Song- Failure_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alNQ84K3y5Y)

[8\. Everglow- Starset](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-gSrzs9TqM)

_Don't worry, it's reverse jinxing. Play it over the PA system while you do your space stuff and freak everyone out._

 

Josh laughed as he looked at the list. He appreciated the teasing. He did sometimes worry about the station's integrity, but the thing had been up and running for over a decade now with little trouble. They were all trained in basic repairs, and Mark and Diana were specialists. There were safety systems and redundant parts everywhere. There was nothing to be afraid of, and Tyler's jokes were a good, grounding reminder.

He closed his laptop and left his bunk. He'd type up a response later. It was about eleven PM, and Tyler was probably asleep now. Meanwhile, science never slept. He had rats to feed.

* * *

They finally managed to video chat in September. Tyler gave a giddy laugh when he saw Josh appear on the screen. His mohawk had been turned into something more similar to a cloud of curly hair floating around his head. His hair had been trimmed several times since leaving Earth, and his hair was now more black than faded yellow. It looked a little silly, but Josh was Josh. He'd love him if he were dressed as a clown (actually, maybe not).

"Hi!" Josh said, grinning. His teeth glinted in the light, perfect as ever.

"Hi, Josh. It's so good to see your face again."

"You too."

"You're looking good."

"Really? There aren't too many mirrors in here. Do I have anything in my teeth?"

Josh leaned into the camera, baring his teeth. Tyler laughed. 

"No, you're good."

Josh leaned back and sighed, the sound coming out tinny though his low-quality speakers.

"So how are things back at home?" Josh asked.

"Nothing too interesting," Tyler said. "The trees are changing color. I'm mostly living with my parents now, since it's nicer with them. I still go back to our home on the weekends to make sure everything's good."

"Are they?"

Tyler shrugged. "A little dusty, but aside from that? It is. The squirrel that keeps eating the plums is getting fat."

"Right, it's fall down there. It's hard to remember stuff like that when you're in here. Not much in the way of seasons."

"That's gotta suck. Doesn't the lack of sunlight and wind get to you?"

"Sometimes. But everything else makes up for it. The work, my crewmates, knowing what I'm doing is helping the world-- I'd be willing to stay up here forever if I could keep serving those things."

"Mm."

"But I care about you just as much," Josh said. "I'd stay on Earth forever if you asked me to."

"I won't ask you that," Tyler said. "Just don't get stuck up there and I'll be fine."

"I won't. Are you doing okay? I hope you've been talking to people."

"I have," Tyler said. "Mostly my family and a few of my friends. I'm not having an episode or anything. I just miss you."

"Me too."

Something moved in the background of the video. "Hey, who's--"

Commander Eshleman and Pilot Black appeared at Josh's side, flipping over each other as they looked into the camera.

"This is Tyler, right?" Eshleman asked. 

"Yup."

"Hi, Tyler," Black said. "I'm Jenna. Josh doesn't shut up about you. He named a rat after you."

"I did not!" Josh protested. 

"He did," someone offscreen said. 

"Anfisa!"

"It's true," Anfisa said, drifting by with a potted plant in her hands. "He talks to all the rats. He named some of them after his family, and us. Frankly, I'm honored."

"It's weird," Mikhail said, taking the plant from Anfisa and disappearing to another part of the station. Eshleman and Jenna were grinning now, and even Josh was wearing a self-conscious smile.

"I'm bombing all of your guys' video chats later," Josh complained. 

"You're not gonna want to do that," Jenna said, grinning. "I have some _very_ interesting conversations."

Eshleman and Josh swatted her both at the same time, sending her tumbling back a few feet. Tyler laughed. It wasn't the same as having Josh in the flesh, but this was pretty good, too.

He dreamed of meeting Josh in space. His skin was warm like sunrays and his words emerged from his mouth like newborn stars. He woke up in love, and told Josh all about it.

* * *

**Sent on 9/23/17 at 2:59 AM**

Hey Josh how do you drink water in 0 gravity??

 

**Sent on 9/23/17 at 3:15 AM**

**[image attached]**

 

**Sent on 9/23/17 at 3:20 AM**

You responded a lot faster than I expected. Thanks, by the way. I feel enlightened. 

 

**Sent on 9/23/17 at 3:23 AM**

It would have been even faster if Jenna didn't make fun of me for trying to spill a bottle of water.

 

**Sent on 9/23/17 at 3:25 AM**

Is it hard?

 

**Sent on 9/23/17 at 3:20 AM**

Yeah kinda

* * *

**Sent on 10/10/17 at 3:43 PM**

Hey Tyler can you send me a video of you saying 'eggs'?

 

**Sent on 10/10/17 at 3:55 PM**

Why?

 

**Sent on 10/10/17 at 3:39 PM**

Everyone on the crew hates it when I say it so I want you to say it so I can prove that they just hate the word, not because I say it weird.

That and I just miss your voice. Don't tell anyone I said that.

 

**Sent on 10/10/17 at 3:46 PM**

**[media attached]**

 

**Sent on 10/10/17 at 3:50 PM**

Thanks.

 

**Sent on 10/10/17 at 3:53 PM**

I miss your voice too.

* * *

Something hit the station on an early October morning, hard enough that it jolted Josh from his sleep. He sat up, wondering if he had imagined it when a second impact reverberated through the station. The others began to stir too, someone turning on the lights and looking around in confusion.

"What was that?" Jenna asked sleepily.

"I think something hit the station," Josh said. 

The radio in their room crackled to life. Anfisa's voice came in through the line. 

"Commander Eshleman, do you copy?"

Mark held down the button to open the line. "I hear you. Did you feel that?"

"Yes, we did. Do you have any idea where it hit?"

"No, I don't."

"Let's meet up at the control room."

"Copy that."

"Suit up, you two," Mark said. "Life support might go down or an airlock might blow."

The Russian crew was waiting for them in the control room, looking over a map of the station on one of the screens.

"What's the problem?" Mark asked, hovering over a chair.

"The chemistry lab and one of the _Soyuz_ shuttles has been hit by debris. There's a small airlock leak in the chemistry lab and the _Soyuz_ is damaged and a little loose. The relay box near the chemistry lab is damaged, too."

Shit. He and Jenna shared a terrified look.

"Is anything else going to hit us?"

"Most likely. There's about a dozen other objects in our path. It's not safe, but we don't have time. The leaks in the airlock are only going to get bigger, and the relay box might start a fire or cause a blackout."

Mark clenched his fingers nervously. "Okay. Shit. We need to seal off the chamber that leads to the lab, all of it, and the same with the _Soyuz_. We need to go out there and repair that stuff."

"There's only two specialists, sir," Jenna said.

"I know there is. We're going to have to bring someone else."

_Not me, not me, oh God, not me, please._

"Me, Anfisa, and Diana are going out to repair the damage. Mikhail, you stay here and instruct us. Jenna, go gather any sensitive materials from or around the lab and put them in the control room. Josh, you go to the communications room and contact Houston. They already know what's going on but they need details. We'll intercom you the details. Copy that?"

"Yes, sir."

Thank _fuck_.

The six all split up now, and Josh floated away from the rest of the crew to the communications room. He was alone in this small room, and the panic that he had managed to keep at bay was beginning to crawl up his throat. The fact that there was a large window filled with the inky black of deep space. Normally the sight was calming, but it really, really wasn't right now. He was in his suit, which meant that he wouldn't immediately freeze to death should the station come apart, but without the _Soyuz_ , he would either slowly suffocate in his suit or burn up while falling into Earth's atmosphere. Neither option sounded particularly appealing at the moment. 

He radioed Houston.

"Houston? Houston, do you copy? This is Josh Dun of the ISS."

"This is Houston. We hear you loud and clear. What's going on up there?"

"We've been hit by debris, and there's airlock damage in the chemistry lab and to one of its relay boxes. The _Soyuz_ is also damaged. Commanders Mark and Anfisa and Specialist Diana are working on it."

"Got that. Keep us updated. Be prepared to abort if need be."

He hovered around the room anxiously, imagining all the terrible ways the space ship could come apart.

There was a flare of light outside the window and the station tilted. That couldn't be good. Josh turned on his intercom.

"Mark, what was that?"

There was no response. 

"Mark? Do you copy?"

Silence. 

Shit. 

He tuned to Anfisa's intercom.

"Anfisa? Do you copy?"

"I hear you," she said. Her voice was shaky, and Josh's stomach sank.

"What happened?" he asked.

"The chem lab-- the relay box-- we tried to seal the airlock and it blew. It took out the _Soyuz_ , too. The whole left side is gone."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm still tethered on, and so is Diana, but Mark..."

Oh no. Oh _no_.

"He's gone."

"Yeah," she said, voice heavy. "His line broke. His suit got punctured by debris from the explosion, so. It was quick at least."

"What about your guys' MMUs?"

"Used them up trying to reach him. He was ejected pretty quickly because of the blast."

Josh's heart froze in his chest and he squeezed his eyes shut, bile rising in his throat as he thought of his lost commander.

"Josh? Josh? Do you copy? We're going to have to detach what's left of the lab and the _Soyuz_."

Josh swallowed. "Copy that."

He disconnected and sighed, gloved hands settling on the dome of his helmet. He contacted Houston.

"Houston? Do you copy?" he said.

"We hear you."

"We've lost Mark-- Commander Eshleman. The airlock blew when they tried to fix the lab. We can't save it, so we're detaching it. We're losing the _Soyuz_ , too."

"It can't be salvaged?"

"No. Half of it's gone."

There was silence for a moment as Ground Control debated what to do.

"Alright, you're approved," they finally said. 

Josh relayed this information to Mikhail in the control room. A few minutes later, he heard a distant clanking.

"The lab's been detached," Anfisa said.

Mikhail spoke to Josh over the intercom. "Okay. We're gonna work on getting rid of the _Soyuz_ \-- woah."

The space station groaned, and then the lights flickered out. 

It must be the damaged relay box.

Josh looked back at the control panel and saw that the radios had gone out too. Shit.

"Hey, Josh?"

It was Jenna. The intercoms in their suits functioned independently of the station. At least they could still communicate.

"Yeah?" Josh asked.

"Power's out."

"No shit."

That was rude, but to be fair, Josh was more than a little bit stressed. They had lost power, and with it, contact with Earth. They had lost their commander and a big chunk of their spaceship, as well as one of the two _Soyuz_ shuttles that were responsible for taking them home in case of an emergency. Which was exactly what this was. 

"We need to evacuate," she said. "I have everyone else with me in the control room. Go to the docking compartment."

"Okay."

Josh couldn't help but wonder how all five of them were going to fit into a shuttle meant for three. 

He pulled out a flashlight from one of his pockets, flicking it on and cutting a path of light through the darkness. He drifted down the chambers, fumbling his way in the dark to the docking area where the _Soyuz_ awaited.

He was halfway there when the station rattled and boomed again, hit by several more large-sounding pieces of debris. He could feel the station moving after the impact, and he froze, waiting for something to happen. 

"Josh? Do you read me?" Jenna asked.

"I-- I hear you. Everything's fine, I'm okay."

"You need to hurry."

"I am. Give me, like, one more minute."

Josh picked up his pace, unaware of the suspicious creaking, then hissing of the structure around him. It grew louder and louder, and that was when his intercom crackled to life, but he never got to hear what Jenna was about to say because the station exploded.

Brightness, then blackness, and then spinning.

And then spinning.

And then spinning.

Josh tumbled through space, Earth and Sun and Station whirling in and out of sight as he was ejected from the ISS. He could hear his own frantic breathing inside his helmet. Alarms were going off in his suit and he could hear a faint hissing. Low air pressure. Low air pressure. Low air pressure.

He had to stop spinning. 

He remembered his MMU and managed to slow his spin. He steadied his breathing, slowly and carefully. He began to observe his surroundings.

He was still drifting away from the station, but he had managed to slow himself and stop his spinning. There was a breach somewhere in his suit. The white outer lining was marked with soot. Shrapnel was embedded inside in several places. He plucked the pieces out one by one, trying to find the offending piece. It was the one over his sternum. He kept a finger over the tear. He would need to repair it with duct tape.

Right now, he was facing away from the station. He needed to turn around to inspect the damage. Maybe there was hope. 

Josh turned around and looked at the station. It was a lot smaller than he expected it to be, and his stomach turned when he realized how far he had been propelled. His stomach gave another lurch when he saw that it had been entirely blown to pieces, drifting chunks burnt-out and darkened. A dead rat drifted by him. He stared at it as it passed him, frozen, floating away into the eternal blackness. He looked back at what remained of the ISS. He squinted, and he could see a few white suits floating around it. They were completely still. Some were in pieces.

Josh used his MMU one-handed to get closer to the wreck. Then he stopped. He spotted the two _Soyuz_ shuttles, both ruined.

Oh, no. Oh no no no _no_.

"Jenna?" he called into the intercom. "Anfisa? Diana? Mikhail? Can any of you hear me?"

There was no response. 

"Jenna?! Mark! Someone, anyone, PLEASE!"

There was no response. 

He darted closer to the bodies, waiting for them to turn their heads and wave their hands and tease him for being late, and then they'd all fit in the _Soyuz_ and they could land in Kazakhstan like they planned to. 

There was no response. 

Josh let out a frantic sob, his whole body twisted with grief. Tears began to fill his vision and he had no way to wipe them from his eyes.

This was it, wasn't it? The whole station was blown to smithereens and both _Soyuz_ crafts were damaged beyond repair. He had no contact with Houston and his crewmates were all dead. He would join them soon, because even if Ground Control knew he was alive, there was no way they'd be able to rescue him in time.

Tyler was going to be so mad at him. 

A fresh wave of tears spilled down his cheeks at the thought of him. He could see America from up here, a little to his right, clothed in darkness. It was night over there. Tyler should be asleep. Josh desperately hoped he was. Houston knew what happened, and it would only be a matter of hours before the news broke all over the world. Tyler deserved a few more hours before he found out. Everyone would know by tomorrow. 

Josh would be dead by tomorrow. 

Josh curled into himself as far as his stiff suit would allow, slowly turning through space, drifting away from the station and the wreckage. He had about ten minutes on this tank if he released his hand, three hours if he held it, four if he didn't panic. 

Did he really want four hours?

He should take off his finger and be done with it. After all the air escaped he'd have about fifteen seconds before he lost consciousness and a few minutes until he died. There was no rescue coming. There was no one else to talk to in his final moments.

He was so _alone_. 

"It is October fourteenth, 2017. My name is Joshua William Dun. I work for NASA as a biologist studying embryo development in zero gravity."

Hearing his own voice inside his helmet was comforting. It chased away the silence.

"I am twenty-nine years old and I am the second youngest astronaut in history. I was born in Columbus, Ohio, on June eighteenth, 1988. I-- I am going to die in orbit two hundred and fifty miles above the Earth."

His voice was shaking.

"I love a man named Tyler Robert Joseph. We have lived together for nearly six years. I have been separated from him for around three months on account of my mission in the ISS."

Josh swallowed. His eyes ached with tears that soaked into his cloth garments.

He surrendered his hand from the hole in his suit. 

The monitor began beeping in warning of the breach, and he could hear a faint hiss as air was sucked from his suit. Low air pressure. _No shit._

 _He's asleep as I speak,_ he thought. _Selfishly, I pray that he dreams of me. I want him to miss me for the rest of his life. I wanted to grow old with him. I wanted to die on Earth and be buried by his side. Instead I am immortalized here. My body will drift for eternity amongst the debris. Forever I will have the privilege of gazing down on the beauty of my planet, and seeing the wonders of the universe beyond with my naked eye. I will never see his face again._

He watched Earth and the wreckage of the space station slowly shrink before his eyes. 

He felt lightheaded after a few short minutes. His mouth had gone dry and his eyes were puffy and sore with no more tears left to shed. Earth was small enough for him to take in all at once, and the bodies of his crewmates were invisible. He was so far away. 

His monitor began beeping in warning. The small, mechanical sound was as steady as a heartbeat as his vision began to blur. This was it, he figured. In a few mintues he would lose consciousness, and his cells would begin to die after that. Then he'd never wake up. Perhaps it was a much more peaceful death than what Mark or the others had experienced. He wasn't grateful, though. Not at all. His fuzzy brain was aware that some great injustice had been commited against him, but it was one he knew he was helpless to fight. 

He thought of joining Tyler in his bed, tucking himself in and pulling their bodies close, limb to limb, warm and safe. 

He thought of Tyler.

He thought, _I love you._

He fell asleep.

* * *

**Sent on 10/15/17 at 5:54 AM**

_Hey, Josh, did you see that light last night? It looked just like a shooting star (I know you're gonna correct me and call it a meteor), but it was a lot brighter. There wasn't anything on Google, so I guess it was just a particularly big one. Beautiful, too._

_Anyways, I made a wish on it. I'm not totally sure if you're supposed to keep your wish a secret, but I'll tell you anyways. I wished that you would come home safely. I know the station is safe_ _and all, but you're still hurtling across the sky in a tin can at seventeen thousand miles an hour. I think I'm allowed to worry, just a little bit. I know you're too small and going too fast for me to actually see, but I still try to find you in the sky every night._

_I love you so much and I miss you more than anything else. Keep me updated. I can't wait to see you again._

**Author's Note:**

> hope your day was ruined! feedback is greatly appreciated!


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